Hi, dad.

Ever since I was a kid, ever since I knew cigarette is, ever since I understood what it can cause, ever since I knew what cancer is, and ever since I knew all those things are cause and effect to one another that somehow would intertwine you. I also knew it very well that I should've been prepared. I was just a kid. Probably around 9 years old. Did I do something about it? Of course I did and you knew it very well. As I grew older, I had a better courage just to get mad at you every time I could smell the smoke. It was ultimately unbelievable to make myself be prepared for something that I never want to happen. And certainly no preparation will ever work to patch up this post-damage.

Four years living my life apart from you and mum, I had this anxiety, full of the perturbation of some undesirable things might happen while I was away. My friends kept saying things such 'why are you always going back home' every time I booked the night trains. Bet they thought I was spoiled. I wasn't. I was just afraid that I would lose the moments. The moments that might be the last time for me. 

As I was able to go back home in one piece and you both embraced me back home, I made a deal with the God. I promised that I would never ever go far from home again, so I asked him to just let me be with my hearts. I did what I could. When the hardest waves came, I became even firmer. I mean, I understood that I asked Him a favor, a big favor but I also got it if the reality is not what I had imagined. But dad, what could I do if you were the one who wanted to swim away with the waves? 

My nine years old version of me would be hysterical and even my 26 years old me would lose her mind. Somehow that didn't happen on 17th January 2023 version of me and my now version. I'm sane enough to write this, dad. After that long years of anxiety, I manage to stand still now although everything seems pointless now. Two months without you feels like a dream that I never asked for. Sometimes I would stay awake, just like tonight, and got my heartbroken because no one checked on my light-on bedroom. There are many single things that won't be the same. Somehow I live by it now, you don't have to worry, dad. 

Honestly, things are still pointless for me. There are times I do not want to wake up in the morning because I am too afraid to see every corner of this house without your presence --but we must go on with our lives like you said. 

People say time heals all wounds. Unfortunately, this one is not a wound, it's a world for me--my world. You and mum. So, time has no power to interfere in this matter. 

That's why it is getting harder and painful each day. But it's all right, I got this, dad. You don't have to worry. I am trying my best, promise.